Let It Go

As the years go forward, here’s what you can leave behind

There are some things you should never lose sight of: your health, your loved ones, your pets, and where you parked the car.

But one of the great joys of New Aging is disconnecting, dismissing and discarding all the stuff that used to matter, or at least you thought it did, because it stressed you out, compromised your confidence, and got in your way. You don’t need them anymore, you probably never did, but now’s the time to let ‘em go. As the fiercely independent New Ager Bethann Hardison says, “The lighter the load, the freer the journey.”

So, Shake these off:

1. Other people’s opinions. It’s been universal. Despite their diverse lives and careers, what do such Happy Grownup podcast guests as Norma Kamali, Bethann, Mario Cantone, Elizabeth Stewart, Rosie Perez, Aaron Walton, Steven Petrow and most all of the others, have in common? Each of them unequivocally stated that the best thing about getting older is no longer giving a “shit what anyone else thinks.” You’ve gotten this far, so you must be doing something right.

2. Stop staring at your neck. Blame it on those cheap ring lights that illuminate your Zooms. Not to take anything away from the late Nora Eprhon’s deliciously witty book I Feel Bad about my Neck (Doubleday, 2006) but no one is staring at it the way you are. Winter may be coming, but that’s no reason to live in turtlenecks until April. No neck has ever upstaged a great smile.

3. You’re getting older. Yeah, so? Big surprise. Consider the alternative. That should do it.

4. Killing yourself to have a “beach body.” Of course, you should exercise and eat smart. But swallowing your weight in creatine isn’t going to transform you back to the way you looked in that shot taken on Elia Beach in Mykonos in 1986. Focus on being trim, fit, and limber. Adjust your workout to match your reality not your memory. And move.

5. Dressing your Age. A phrase that should be banned from the English language along with “my authentic self.” Wear whatever the hell you want as long as when you see yourself in the mirror you can say “I look good!” As celebrity stylist Elizabeth Stewart insists, “When you’re dressed up in your best, no one is looking only at your arms. They’re looking at you!”

6. Hanging out with friends who can’t let go of “the good old days.” I'm searching for my phone at least once an hour, but I remember exactly what I wore while watching Sly and the Family Stone at Woodstock (yes, I really was there), and exactly how long it took to exorcise every fleck of glitter out of my favorite crepe soled dancing shoes after Studio 54’s 1978 New Year’s Eve Party (some time in mid-June). I am blessed/cursed with eerie crystal clear hindsight, but you’ll never move forward if you can’t stop looking backwards. It’s fun to reminisce occasionally, but align yourself with people who are eager to make new memories rather than constantly revisiting old ones.

7. At this point, if someone is dumb enough to ask you “And what do you do?” smile, and walk away. You don’t need to know them.

8. Wanting everyone to like you. You don’t like everyone, do you? So, why wouldn’t it hold the other way round? However, there’s no need to court anyone’s affection anymore, or waste any effort on transactional relationships. Surround yourself with those whom you share mutual trust and admiration. After all, you’re an accomplished, successful, resilient grownup. Someone eminently worth knowing. That’s the only calling card you need.

9. Dressing, behaving and being somewhere that is “on trend.” You’re confident and pretty damn pleased with your likes, know what looks good on you, have built a wardrobe of quality pieces that fit and flatter you. Do you really need style cues from some nubile Dancing With the Stars alumni influencer who has never seen your body?

   You frequent a half dozen places where the staff buoyantly cries out “Ciao Bella!” the moment you walk in. So, why are you clutching the phone in your anxiously perspiring palm so you can get onto Resy at exactly 10:00am in hopes of snaring a 5:30 pm reservation three weeks from now at that hot as Jwala pepper new Punjabi restaurant. Let the frantic foodies throw Grants at reservation scalpers just to get into this boite where the decibel level drowns out jackhammers and they’re still going to make you wait because they’re ‘backed up?’ You don’t even like Indian food! I’m not saying don’t go exploring in search of the new. But our current gotta-wear-this-gotta-be-here imperative is so fickle Andy Warhol’s claim that ‘everyone will be famous for 15 minutes’ now seems like an eternity. Don’t take for granted the destinations where you can relax with your friends while no one within earshot is putting on a show. And as for behavior, there is nothing more ‘on trend’ than treating people with respect.

10. 86 grudges, regrets, slights, family drama, woulda-shoulda-couldas, competing for attention, comparing yourself to others, or worse, comparing yourself with your younger self. None of these matter. Not a one.

11. The need to always be busy. It used to be a game, kind of. How many appointments, tasks, errands, events and drive-bys you could jam into a day? It used to seem fulfilling…or at least filling. No more. It’s time to enjoy the thrill of downshifting, like having a lunch with a friend, or alone even, when you don’t have to run out at 2:15 with your hair flying towards the next spot on the agenda. Turn on Kelly Clarkson, or better yet, a Hallmark movie while chomping on leftover pizza and a Mexican Coke. Discover that doing nothing can be everything. And no one is going to give you a performance review.

12. Whining about what hurts. Back in the 60’s, when Miami Beach was nicknamed “God’s Waiting Room,” my grandma and her friends would sit in a circle on the porch of The Sorrento Sand & Sun, their run down resident hotel, on those round backed brightly painted aluminum rocking chairs and spend every morning kvetching and knafking about all their aches and pains in a trophyless, never-ending game of “Can you top this?” Honestly, did you actually think you’d still run up the stairs two at a time at 65? That your left shoulder wouldn’t suddenly click for no reason, or that it would take twice as long for any injury to heal? This is the normalcy of aging. What grandma’s circle proved is that everyone’s got something. And though some people’s challenges are more serious than others, suffering and compromise is all relative. So before you launch into a sympathy tugging litany of your trials and tribulations, know that any contemporary you’re bitching to has troubles of their own. Save the EP length edition of your saga for your doctors and loved ones. Instead, when acquaintances ask how you are, cite your discomfort briefly, if so compelled, then add, “But otherwise I’m fine. Things are good.” And then, find something else to talk about.

13. Being pissed you’re no longer young. Oh, honey, you’ve got to let this one go. Regardless of what it says on the tube, you can’t anti-age. You want to ignore your birthday, expunge your date of origin from the internet (you can), lie to the DMV, or refuse to own up to anyone how many candles should be on your cake? Fine, except your mind and body are onto your tricks, since none of them work. This a is a lose-lose conundrum. Change the goal. Instead of trying to look like the younger you, be the best version of you right now. Don’t change your lotions and potions. Tuck, lift, suck, plump, whatever you like but do it to look refreshed rather than hoping to imitate The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Most importantly, realize that those wrinkles that make you wince, frame bright, searching eyes, that you probably earned your laugh lines for the right reasons, and that smiling an awful lot does, in fact, contribute to crow’s feet. When you think about it, it’s not a bad deal.

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